8 Keys to better parent-teacher conferences.

Here we go. Parent teacher conference time. For some of us, our blood pressure shoots sky high, we develop a twitch, and our eyes begin darting around. My hope in writing this short article is to offer you some ideas on ways to bring your blood pressure down and actually serve the student. Imagine the parents coming back from the conference with the firm belief that you are on their child’s side, no matter what. Imagine how the conversations at home change. I hope that these tips offer you some thoughts that will make your eyes a little less twitchy.

You will find an amazing difference in the parents if you, as the teacher, are learning more about the student than the parents are learning about the class. Don’t be sneaky about it either. I just flat out ask. I tell the parents that I am just getting to know their child as a learner but there is so much more to who they are. I want the parents to help me get a fuller picture of the kids in my class. Here are some things that I learned about my students just last night. One student is in competitive gymnastics. A level 10. One student drew a fun deer tag, so I put some points on a GPS for her to hunt. One student had a sister that lost her leg. One student is leaving early to go to a funeral. On and on it goes.

If nothing else, when you are genuinely interested in the student, the parents recognize your care. And when that is the posture of the meeting, attitudes change for the better.

I love to give the parents a snapshot of how I believe the student learns. We have only been in school a couple of months, but I already know how many kids are beginning to interact with chemistry. I don’t get into classroom details here. This is not about how they forget to turn in their homework. This is more about how it appears the student’s brain is working. I like to talk about their ability to take in new information and apply it. I like to talk about how they appear to process. I like to give insights on the speed that they work in class. In all of it, I like to make sure that the parents understand that I see their strengths and not just their weaknesses. Many parents are expecting to be told about all the things wrong with their kid. When they hear a teacher that understands how the student’s brain works and understands how to get the most out of that learning style, you will develop fans in the parents. Trust me, when the dinner conversations happen about failings, if you have fans on the parent side, the conversations go a lot better.

Just last night, I had a parent of a special needs learner in tears. It was just because I understood her daughter. I get her. I can see how she operates. And to that parent, the fact that her daughter was being seen was amazing. When mom recommends that the daughter comes in for extra help, it will not be adversarial. On the contrary. Mom will recommend that she come in to see someone who gets her. What a relief for a parent.

There are times that my student synopsis is wrong or incomplete. Even in those instances, the parents can recognize that I am trying to understand their child. At that point, I get to go back to becoming a learner. Teach me about how your student learns. Again, that is a trust-building exercise with the parents.

There is nothing so disarming as telling a parent, who is ready for a fight, “Man, I just love your kid. What a set of gifts they have.” When the conversation includes your fandom of the kids, the parents realize you are on the same side. Because they are fans of their kids as well. Sometimes blind, misunderstanding, and naïve fans. But they are the greatest fans of them all. Joining that team changes the tenor of the conversation.

Don’t blow smoke. Be honest with the positive aspects you see in the kid. Highlight points of growth. What things make you smile or laugh? Describe a moment when you and the student had a laugh or a win together. Just last night I had a conference with two parents of a typically apathetic, loudmouthed, trouble-making student. The parents had just gotten divorced in a contentious manner but were attending the conference together. It was awkward and weird. But the mood in the conference changed the moment I said, “I can’t believe this, but your kid is a dark horse in my class. They might just come out of the shadows and be one of my top students.” It is true. But it is also probably something that they had not heard before. They only hear about the issues. But the kid is smart. He got one of the highest grades on the second test of the year and showed amazing growth from the first test. After the parents understood my fandom, all the other pieces were a lot easier to swallow.

So far, it sounds like parent teacher conferences are just butterflies and rainbows. But you also have to speak the truth. And the truth is sometimes ugly. Don’t sugarcoat bad behaviors. Be up front and honest. But as you are explaining the shortcomings and bad decisions by the student, it can be communicated in a way that demonstrates your care for them. Explaining that continuing the behaviors leads the student down a rough road feels a lot different than explaining how the student’s behaviors keeps you up at night. Twitching. It’s about the kid. What behaviors need to change? How? When? And what will be the natural consequences and the classroom consequences if they don’t. If the focus of the conversation is on the student and the best options for their future, the parents will be more likely to get on board and not just blame you for picking on their kid.

Parents want outcomes. They want the transcript to look a certain way so that their student can get into a certain college to major in a certain area to get a certain career so that their life will certainly be great. And sometimes it can feel like your class is certainly in the way of that perfect life. Don’t promise outcomes. Give strategies. Explain what scaffolding and support there is. Show how the lessons you have designed are made on purpose. Point to extra support systems. But don’t put numbers to it.

There is an absolute danger in saying, “If your kid will use this study guide, there is no way that they will ever get below a 90.” It can be tempting, because it feels like a carrot for the students and the parents. However, students are very crafty at subverting their own education. Don’t overlook that craftiness. Communicate process. Explain how they become a better learner by following this plan. Explain how they get closer to their glass ceiling by using these behaviors. Give hope, just not numbers.

You have put in so many hours to make your class what it is. Give the parents a glimpse. Last night I was showing a set of frustrated parents the supports I have in my class. I have entire practice tests and keys posted. I have extra practice pages for the challenging sections with keys posted. I had the hardest question from the last test posted with a key (using different elements, but still). The parents were blown away. “You mean that kid had all these opportunities and chose not to use them?” Evidently. Their score would certainly suggest that. They went away knowing how things were going to change in their student’s life. It shows the parents that there is hope, even for the struggling kids. It shows that you are competent and try to give the kids the best chance at winning. It proves that you being a fan of the kid comes out in action, not just words.

Frequently the last question that I ask a parent is about their kid’s social life. I know where they are at academically. Frequently, I am trying to interpret 50-minute snippets of their life and trying to apply it to a 24 hour day. That isn’t a complete picture of all the forces that influence a kid. Ask if they are settled socially. Ask if they have a tight circle of friends. Ask who their child leans on in a tough situation. Ask how you could help them grow socially. Again, this demonstrates your willingness to teach the whole student. The more that you are connected with their behaviors and choices in and out of the classroom, the better you will be at reaching them.

When I asked that question last night, I got a surprising answer. I asked about a kid that relates very well will adults, but minimally with kids. This is the first time I have ever taught this student. Just the night before, I had paid for part of the kid’s dinner on a school road trip. He was a couple of dollars short and I threw his meal on my tab. Then he ate with me. Come to find out that the student had gone through a rough break up followed by his dad losing his job. Finances were tight and teenagers are dumb. That was the mode he was operating in. So, he leaned toward adults. It all made sense. It will also inform me of how to better reach him and help him connect with teenagers. I am excited for the opportunity.

You are a teacher for a reason. You love kids. You love science. What a perfect job. Lean into that fact and smile. You are working with people who need to grow, be loved, and learn. So smile at the parents that are bigger fans than you could ever be. Smile at the people that help make them into who the student is. Smile because it’s a privilege to join in a pretty cool story.

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